JJJ
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Jokes for Joe_
RODNEY DANGERFIELD JOKES
Well, that's the story of my life - no respect! I don't get no respect at all!
I'll tell ya', I go through plenty! And never get no respect.
LIKE MY WIFE……
*My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
*I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I told my Doctor that I thought my wife had VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy’
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
*"I called my wife from work, and said 'Oooh baby, I'm so hot for you, I'd like to take off on my lunch hour and come over there and make love.' She said,"Who is this?"
*She told me to take out the garbage, I said, you cooked it, you take it out.
*My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
She is so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
I shouldn’t make fun of my wife. She’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive…the refrigerator.
*My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray AFTER we eat.
*My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
*One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
LIKE MY FAMILY….
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
*At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
LIKE ME BEING UGLY….
*I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
*I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
*When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
*My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
*I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
*Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I told my doctor I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine I didn’t need one.
LIKE ME GETTING NO RESPECT…..
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
*One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
*A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
*Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance
*I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I went to buy a suit. I told the salesman “I wanna see something cheap”…he told me to look in the mirror.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
*I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
*I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
*I was making love to this girl and she sarted crying. I said.."Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
*She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time."
*She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load."
She was so ugly that...
She hands out whistles to construction workers.
*I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
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Joe_Stax
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das ist ein ha-haI read about a guy named Ted Chippington in a recent issue of Mojo, and here are a few example of his stuff....
"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap drove up beside me and said, 'Excuse me, mate, I'm in a dilemma.' I said, 'Aye, good motors, Dilemmas. I was thinking of buying one myself. A red one perhaps.'"
"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap walked up to me and said 'Do you want to buy some grass, mate?' I said 'No thanks, mate, I've got crazy paving. Haven't got a garden, you see.'"
"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap walked up to me and said 'Do you want to buy some LSD, mate?' I said 'No thanks, mate, We've gone decimal now. You know, pounds, shillings and pence - no use to me any more.'"
"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap came up to me. He said 'I've just got back from Nam.' I said, 'What, you mean Vietnam?' He said 'No, mate, Chelt'nam.'"
"I look forward to when I've got a car and I can drive down the road, so I won't get all these characters coming up to me."
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JJJ
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Vietnam era joke_
During the Vietnam era there was this draft dodger being chased by the police. He ran up to a nun and said "please Sister, help me, I'm a draft dodger and the police are about to catch me". The nun said "here, hide under my habit". After the police had gone the draft dodge said "you know Sister when I was under there I saw the prettiest pair on ankles I have ever seen". "Well thank you my Son", said the nun. "And I looked up a little further and saw the prettiest pair of knees I had ever seen", said the draft dodger. The nun said "Well thank you Son, and if you had looked up a little further you would have seen the prettiest pair of balls you had ever seen, I don't want to go to Vietnam either".
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Joe_Stax
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My roommate in college loved to do this. A lot:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Joe.
Joe who?
Joe mama!
Yeah, that never gets old. 
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Astrakhan
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Joe, the classics never go out of style. 
I'm afraid I don't know too many jokes offhand...perhaps a limerick or two?
Here's a joke I spotted on a blog today:
| Quote: | Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Ruler of the Church.
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. |
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mr bil
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nyuk nyukA guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made out of saran wrap. What does the psychiatrist say??
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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JJJ
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The Smartest Man In The World_
There are four guys in an airplane...the pilot, a preacher, a backpacker and the smartest man in the world. The airplane develops engine problems and is going to crash but there are only three parachutes on board. The pilot says "I have to survive so that I can tell the people on the ground what went wrong" and he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The smartest man in the world says "I have to survive so that the world can gain from my vast intellect" and he grabs a pack and jumps out. The preacher says " son, you take the last parachute...I am not afraid to die". The backpacker says "no, that will not be necessary, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack".
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JJJ
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John Lennon in his grave_
What is John Lennon doing in his grave?
Decomposing.
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JimENight
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JJJ's new avatar says it all - a man out standing in his field!
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Joe_Stax
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I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas...
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
That's about the size of it... I think gas prices in Pittsburgh have gone up 3 times this week. This photo was actually on the front page of the business section in Thursday's Post-Gazette:
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JJJ
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how to pick up girls_
This guy was not having any luck picking up girls. He asked his friend for advice. "Put a potato in your pants" said the friend. A few weeks later the friend asked how it was going. The guy said his luck was worse than ever. "Did you take my advice?" the friend asked. "Yes" the guy answered. "Well show me how you did it" the friend said. "NO, NO " the friend said, "put the potato in the FRONT !"
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Joe_Stax
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Not a joke, as such, but still funny...
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JJJ
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piss on the IRS__
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
> The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
> The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
> full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
> gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
> I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
> demonstration?'
>
> The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
> Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
> The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
>
> Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
> The auditor's jaw drops.
> Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
>
> other eye.'
>
> Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa
>
> removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
> The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
>
> Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
>
> 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
> dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
> wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
> The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
> decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
> agrees again.
>
> Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
> strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
> other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
> The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
> loss into a break even.
> But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
> 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
>
> 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd
> been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he
> could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
> it.'
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